as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
