mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
