oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
