YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
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I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
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How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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