your thong is hanging out like whoa
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
