I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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