nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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