You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
