I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
