Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
