also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
