And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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