you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No more Irish car bombs ever.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
