During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
