what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
