I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
