Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
