You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Randomize
