Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
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Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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