There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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