Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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