I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
