now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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