The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
