well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
