Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
