Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
