I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
