Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
