went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
