Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
