god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
