I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just high enough for therapy.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
