He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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