fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Soap is not a condiment
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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