are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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