I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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