I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I will be naked everywhere
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
