Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
