Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
