my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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