my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
