My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
