Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
