yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
