I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
