How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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