I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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