closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
