Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
