We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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