I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
is wine microwaveable?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
