so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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